When The Drip Finally Stops.

Have you ever thought about taking your own life? Most people have. 75% of people have attempted, I'm one of them. When I was 16, I attempted, and it has impacted my life heavily since.

People think after all the medication, support, & therapy that those thoughts go away, they don't. I'm an Aunt, a girlfriend, a daughter, & a friend, I'm not planning on going anywhere anytime soon.

That doesn't mean it doesn't constantly cross my mind. Of course, you can't really talk to a licensed professional about it, or they are most definitely going to throw you on several medications and possibly in the psych ward, which isn't fun by the way. I just wonder what it'd be like if it all ended, when the drip finally stopped. Would my leg no longer shake when I drive? Could I eat a meal without feeling like I did something wrong? Maybe I'd sleep through the night, or like walking past a mirror, or be able to simply speak to people about what's going on in my head without feeling like I sound absolutely crazy.

Maybe, I won't. Maybe things won't change. I attempted once, I have no plans on spending my time in those hospital socks talking to people I don't know about my problems they don't care about again. I can't help but wonder sometimes, how would things be with me gone. Would I be at peace? Would I finally feel relief? Would it continue?

I have thought several times, almost daily, about taking my life. Not doing it, just the " What Ifs? " of it, truth be told. Like I said though, I'm an aunt to 3 beautiful kids, who I want to see grow up, graduate, fall in love, and have kids of their own. I'm a girlfriend to a man who would move an entire mountain if I asked him to, and sometimes I crack a funny joke. I'm a daughter, maybe not the best one sometimes, but I don't think I've disappointed them too much, and I'm a friend, maybe one who isn't around as often as you'd like, but I always come through when needed.

Not so many years ago, I was a baby, who laughed and took my first steps. Then, I was in Kindergarten, full of innocence. Middle schooler, who's biggest concern was what boy liked me. Then, I was a high school graduate with no plans for college or life. Fast forward 2 years later, I'm 19, in college, with my entire life in my hands, and I'm not quite sure what to do with it. Sometimes, I feel so powerful I could kick a door down, sometimes I feel like the world is plotting against me, and sometimes I am so full of joy my little heart might explode. I've got the entire world in my hands, I could move away, cut my hair, change my name, or take my own life.

Sometimes, I wonder what it'd be like when the drip finally stops, when all is said and done what it'd be like, but I also am curious to see what I do with my life, what course I decide to go, and I think I'm more interested in what I'm going to do than I am when I'm gone, that doesn't mean I don't think about it, or wonder.

It isn't talked about enough, you're allowed to think those thoughts without actually wanting to follow through with them, I have the perfect life, and I still think about, but I'd never dare do it. I have too much relying on me to do that. I love life, but I wonder what it'd be like if it ended. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm curious. Call it what you want.

Ft. My pretty friends, and me laughing.